Has your curiosity ever led you astray? Your search for knowledge lead you down a path of pleasure intertwined with guilt?
As I type out this testimony, the only song that keeps ringing in my head is Ada’s testimony and it accounts for the title of this post. God has always been in the business of saving people. I decided to do a feature of friends’ stories- how they were able to navigate through life’s problems. I pray it’ll bless and encourage you.
“I was excited about it, it was my first wet dream. This meant I was growing and a normal boy, but I sought to know more, will the semen ever run out?”
Well I couldn’t have known the answer to my question without an experiment. That was 8 years ago, and this demon has held me bound and left me feeling guilty and condemned more times than ever. Unfortunately, most of my friends were Christians who were attaining perfection and took their God serious, and so the guilt doubled or tripled whenever I was around them. Now I’m free and the best part is, I’ve been reconciled with God even as I took the risk to go out there and reconcile the world to Christ.
I started masturbating after I graduated from junior high, awaiting admission into senior high. I woke up to a fairly wet underwear, one fine morning and upon investigation, realised it was my first wet dream. I was very excited about it, as it meant I was growing. The next moment was just heightened curiosity about what this meant and how much semen actually existed in a lifetime.Fortunatlely for me, I had been feeding on a lot of porn, and knew exactly what to do to fulfil my curiosity. That day in my room with the door locked and my mom gone to work, I initiated myself into the man’s world of masturbation. The excitement and pleasure I felt was high over the fence and overflowing, giving me go ahead to do this, thrice in just one day. The pleasure was exhilarating, and I wanted more of what I felt so I ignored the pain that ensued upon continuous practice. All I needed was a place that I was all by myself, I could masturbate up to 6 times a day and felt excruciating pain as I didn’t apply any lotion like I’d seen in the porn I watched. Yet, it never deterred me from continuing this practice. This continued for years, throughout senior high, right to the university, it became a habit: an addiction, an asylum that I turned to in times of grief, betrayal, boredom. It became an essential part of me: my own skeletons in the cupboard. Nevertheless, the pleasure wasn’t enough to drive the guilt away. The more I practiced, the more guilty I felt, since I was going to church too and had Christian friends, whom I felt all was going well for.
The guilt drove me to seek justification for my actions and finally to seek help to stop. I read books but never made the words into any action, and I got plunged deeper down the hole of darkness. The light that came, came during a recent vacation- a roommate invited me to join them for village missions, which I agreed to and went, knowing very well that I wouldn’t have space and time to do my thing, yet twas a risk worth taking. It was during that time that I began telling myself that I couldn’t go out to preach a sanctuary to people that I hadn’t entered into and sought refuge myself. For the first time in my life, I began to seek God with all of me and asked that He help me out of this. It took time and constant fellowship with God, I was tempted several times but by the grace of God I overcame. Not because I was scared but because I had found something greater than temporary pleasure interlaced with pain. I had found Jesus and He was more than everything I longed for. Through His guidance, I learnt not to sin so grace may abound more, I began to appropriate the grace I was freely given by pursuing God with all I have, I had become a truly new creation. I came to understand that my body was God’s temple and so nothing unclean could be kept there.I’ve been clean for just a few months, but I’m grateful to God that, indeed I’ve been made a new creation. The word of God indeed does transform and make new. My mortal body has been quickened by the indwelling Holy Spirit of God, leading me on towards perfection in holiness. God bepraised. My heart now seeks God: to know Him more dearly and follow Him more nearly.
Whoever you are out there, whatever you’re facing, I want to encourage you to sit tight, God sees everything and He knows just the right time to come through for you. You don’t need to and can’t will yourself to stop, some things are just greater than you. Just be prepared to receive God’s mercy when it comes.
1. What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? Romans 6:1
2. So then it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth, but of God that sheweth mercy.
Romans 9:16 KJV
3. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Romans 12:2 KJV
4. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
1 Corinthians 6:19 KJV
5. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
James 4:7 KJV
6. As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
Psalms 42:1 KJV
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